The Post-Apocalyptic Beastmaster is a coveted position in any warlord’s organization. As a wasteland beastmaster, you’re responsible for wrangling any animals used for hunting, intimidation or punitive purposes. From tracking hounds to arena beasts, you’ll be in charge of the care, handling and feeding of all the gang’s beasties. Here are some tips on how to become top dog in any organization’s animal handler hierarchy.
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Start Small
Don’t go for broke right out of the gate. It may be tempting to find an escaped gorilla or a mutant buffalo and start training it for combat, but that move involves risk. Namely, the gorilla. Start with more manageable creatures and work your way up. Begin with rats, then move on to feral Corgis and similar animals while working your way up to Super Smart Bears and beyond.
Dress the Part
With every job comes certain expectations. Certainly, iconoclasts can buck trends and set their own style, but while proving yourself in any new organization, it’s best to dress to the classic style. That means furs, leather gauntlets, bones and maybe even a horn or two. This rule also applies to what you name your animals. Your Grizzly maybe more of a Penny Precious at heart, but the name doesn’t inspire fear. It’s better to go with something like Hades, Murderbear, or Gor the Mauler of Innocents, Maker of Widows and Eater of Children. We admit the last one might be difficult to fit on a collar, but life is all about compromises.
Branding Matters
Anyone with a complete lack of common sense can decide to wrangle dangerous wildlife. If you want to stand out from all the other lunatics, you have to develop a personal brand. One way to make your mark is to specialize in one animal. But be selective, while it may be impressive to make them attack on command and rend flesh from bone, no one is going to hire a beastmaster who is known as the Master of Hamsters. You don’t want to get typecast. Developing a catchphrase can also help set you apart from others. Anyone would think to yell “Unleash the Beast.” It’s time to get poetic. Try something like “Unbind the old rage of nature, and let it howl across the bones of men!” or “Let the earth reclaim what was stolen, tooth by tooth, storm by storm!”
Feed Them Well
If you take care of your warbeasts, they will take care of you. Insist that your charges get a prime cut of the group’s food. If the group gets steak, Gor gets steak. We know that food is a touchy subject in the apocalypse but, don’t worry, no one argues with the guy or gal that has all the lions.
Growl, A Lot
You know you don’t speak bear. And the bear knows you don’t speak bear. But the gang doesn’t know you don’t know how to speak to bear. You’ve got to keep them trained as well as that bear.
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By employing these few tips, you’ll be at the top of the command chain barking orders in no time.
Have a great apocalypse.
Ben
